Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Fear and answers

Here's the thing. My biggest fear when I quit my job was that I would not be able to answer the question,"what are you going to do now?" Because well, I didn't know. My biggest fear wasn't the money or the time or the missing what I did, it was the knawing thought in the back of my head that I would not be able to justify my action to those who asked. You see, a long time ago I knew-I won't be able to quit work until I have a child because I don't want people to think I'm lazy or not doing something or wasting my time and education. Pride has always been my struggle and I analyze and justify things so I still look good. Well, not being able to answer the million dollar "what's next" question doesn't indicate someone who has it all together. It doesn't indicate a planner who knows every next step. My whole life has been about carefully calculating the next step and being able to justify it from here to yon.

I think this step--The quitting step--has been the strangest step I've ever taken. I am still able to justify the why behind it all and how God led me there (if you ask me, I will share those details), but God led me to the why and the when without revealing the "where to next."  I've spent the past two months fully immersed in the day-to-day. You know by now I've worked on my house, written discipleship, and etc but still the question arises "what are you going to do now?"  

Wait. I am actively waiting on The Lord to move and to tell me where to move. It may be as simple as "when you're done with these lessons. I have another project for you to work on" or as insane as "take this job with this company." I don't know and I'm becoming more and more okay with not knowing. What does it mean to actively wait? It means, to me, that I have complete faith that God has directed me to where I am. During this time, I am using my talents and gifts for Him whenever given  the opportunity and I'm trusting that  when it's time to move, He'll lead. It's scary and it sounds nuts to someone who doesn't believe in a God who guides and directs...and it's way way crazy for my planning, type-A self who calculates every step...but it's where I am. So, as cliche as it sounds-I'm facing my fear of the unknown and my fear of being judged as the girl who doesn't have it all together and I'm waiting. Actively waiting on what's next, and in the meantime-practicing contentment where I am. Luke 16:10 tells us "He who is faithful in a little thing is faithful in much." I encourage you to take the step God is asking you to take, trust, remain faithful, and He will bless.

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