Friday, October 31, 2014

I was pregnant; now I'm not.

I'll start with the facts. Moose and I found out we were having a baby. We were beyond thrilled and so excited to be parents. We decided to wait until our November 10 ultrasound to really tell people so we would know everything was okay. On Halloween morning, I woke up with a start. (Sorry if this is graphic) There was blood where there was not supposed to be if baby was healthy. I told Moose what I thought was happening and he asked if he should stay home from work today. We decided we would much rather use his all-too-few days off for something much more happy! I called my mom and explained to her what was going on. Then I called the doctor and answered hundreds of questions. Eventually, I got in to see the doctor. 

We got in to the doctor's office and I chuckled because I was wearing my Palmetto XC jacket and my mom was with me! I didn't want people to think I was a teenager!!! I finally got in to see the screening nurse. She asked several questions and I got emotional. She then had to tell me that my doctor is leaving the practice in Feb. I cried again. I told her, "sorry, it's just a very emotional thing." And she was precious! She told me her daughter had struggled with several miscarriages and someone had shared with her that it is God's way of clearing anything inappropriate from the womb so that next time it is the most perfect pregnancy and that she would be praying for me. I cried again. 

I asked if my mom could come with me to the ultrasound room. I was too raw emotionally to hear those words alone. But, she was so kind. The tech told me that It was the best of the worst scenarios. She said my uterus was cleaned out, from what she could tell, and honestly looked incredibly healthy. She also took other steps and checkedy ovaries-which were healthy with many good eggs. She then told us that 20-30% of pregnancies end in miscarriages, but it is good to know that that was a baby. She said it is good to celebrate that life for what it was and grieve the loss. I was so grateful that for the second time in less than two hours, God had placed encouraging believers in my path to give strength. 

The doctor was phenomenal. She explained everything medically to me and was very encouraging. We still have a process to go through, but we are moving forward. My favorite quote of the day, which made me smile, was "and I know the next time you see a plus on a stick, you're going to be a hot mess because of this. It's ok. Just call me." Why yes, yes I will. Thanks! We had just met, but apparently anxious hot mess just oozes from my pores! 

In all seriousness, those are the facts. We shared our story with close friends and family and just grieved. It is insane how you can grow to love a child in such a short time. I had plans, I had dreams, and I had so much love. It's hard. If I've said once, I've said 1000 times that this sucks. But I know several things to be true. 

In fact, I began this blog almost a month ago. It seems appropriate today: 

God is good. God is sovereign. God is gracious. God is faithful. I could go on forever, but you get the point.
I have really been trying lately to focus on who God is, and who I am in light of my position in him. 
It is so easy for me to focus on who I am without him, where I have failed, my position in this world, and what I am accomplishing. It is so easy to remember where we have gone wrong, what we really want, and what we may not be able to accomplish. My heart is often filled with worry and doubt. I have an extreme fear of failure, but I can know He is accomplishing things in and through me. 

After this miscarriage, I want to be mad. I want to feel like a failure, but in light of what I know to be true, I can't. I have to allow my heart to trust that God is indeed good. He is indeed sovereign. And His plan is right. It is forever better than my plans, than my dreams, than my love. 

This is hard. I'm not going to lie and say I've got it all together. However, I've got a God who does, and Moose and I can trust that His timing is sovereign and His will is perfect. And today, that is enough. 


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